Saturday, February 21, 2009


I've been too ill to dream.
But in a comforting note. I watched my friend break his ankle today. Bone out of skin. It was beautiful.

Monday, February 16, 2009

a small voice.

The earlier part of my dream, the only things I can remember are that there was a ghost of a small child following me around.
Not the actual figure of the kid, but it would send me text messages on my phone and talk to me while I was at home.
It would tell me things that were going to happen. "160 lbs. 5'8", you won't see him coming."
and when I would leave for a few days, she would text my phone "You moved? I miss you. Come home soon or I will find you."
Not very scary this night, which I'm glad.
I wake up, drink a glass of cranberry juice and return to bed.
I'm walking with some friends and cousins. We're looking for a good place to shoot up. We hop some fences and duck under some shrubbery. They sit on the swings and start to cook up our smack, I look around and freeze. We were in my childhood backyard. I tell them about it and we all flea out the back gate down the stairs. I roll out in to the parking lot behind the house and grind my face against the pavement.
A car is right behind me, following me. I start to crawl. I stand perpendicular to the ground, my face only an inch or two off the ground. I'm running as hard as I can. I make it to our get away car on the other side of the lot. It seems like everyone is situated so I jump in.
We ended up going to a party. It was Christmas time and there was a tree in the living room. My friends were there, drunk as usual. Kloe Kardashian and Drew Lachey were there as well. We talked about nothing in particular. Kloe wanted a cigarette and asked if she could bum one off of me. I said yes and we went out for a smoke.
We were standing in the Fred Meyer's parking lot at the back enterance waiting for a bus to take us to P.F. Changs. It was Halloween. A few girls I know from a local sorority came to join us. Katie and Tyler also came. I asked Tyler if we could go to the bank and get money out of his account so I could give it to Kyle. He said yes and we started to head that way.
Then I woke up.

Not very exciting this night, which I'm glad.

Friday, February 13, 2009

It's the end of the world as we know it.

This is from my dream last night. I had to write it down quickly before I forgot.

There were reports of the stars being beautiful.
The world was near the end of it's run, the comets were coming soon.
I sat with my mother and father and aunt on the bleachers with the crowd. We just looked up in awe. I was crying. My mother held me as I wept and looked at the sky. I felt so alone. So small, and I wasn't ready to see if there is anything after this life or not. I told her I love her. And she told me that she loved me, and that everything will be alright.
The sky was so big. The stars were amazing. I've never seen them look so majestic.
(A quote from a favorite book of mine described it perfectly, "It was vast, and open, and thinly quiet. And I felt so small.")
(In real life, I wouldn't mind what so ever to die with the world. But in my dream I was so scared.)
We lived in this giant grocery store/hotel/big house. I went to my room to grab blankets for my family. Inside my kitchen there was my old co-worker Ryan. He was rummaging through people's refrigerators for food. Everyone was trying to gear up for the end.
(My family is always prepared)
He's stealing our food. I beat him up and drag him in to the walk-in freezer while he is unconscious. I cut off his left arm so the devil can't pull him down. I leave him there and lock the door.
I go outside and they are putting people on buses. People my age that is. It felt like a field trip. We go to this place that I know is Menucha. (This place I went to when I was younger) It didn't look like it, but for some reason it was.
I saw Alexis, and Sean from the college, and Robin, and Xander R, and Dustin. I sat with them on the bus and at the non existent camp fire.
Kyle came. I was so glad to see him. He took my hand and we left the group. He introduced me to his girlfriend, which to me seemed like a pretty, but materialistic girl. Someone that I wouldn't think Kyle would date, or date Kyle.
He gives me a bike, which isn't working very well. The back tire is out of line. We're riding through the city, through all of this trash and debris. We ride in the street then. I ask Kyle, "Do you think the trains are still running?" He says no and one pulls up right in front of him on the other side of the street. He yells at me to move for traffic and get on top of the platform. There's a fat old man there sitting on the step. Kyle's girlfriend sits down and says she can't go anymore. It's too much.
Kyle kneels down and pulls out a little drug baggie with microchips in it. Between the chips, the pulls out a ring. He hands it to me, and says nothing. His girlfriend knods her head in approval. The old man leans over and says, she can't say yes unless you ask her a question.
Kyle just looks at me. He tells me he loves me, and that he always will.
Then I wake up to the phone ringing.

It's a mad house.

For all those sleepless nights and horrible memories of things that happened when I was the most vulnerable.

These are mine, and I hope yours now too.

Thanks Jaret, Danni, Dan, and Kyle.

I hope we never go to the zoo.

I will be posting my dreams here, fears, and things that boggle my mind.
But mostly my morning terrors.